you know i have this this tumblr for, i don’t know, 4 years already, and i’ve never expressed any of my fucking personal thoughts/sentimental shit because i’m really not that kind of person that expose feelings or even distinguish what the actual fuck they are.
But lately my head has been experiencing a exploding tornado of emotions that i can’t handle and they keep coming to me like a bunch of those harry potter’s hogwarts fucking letters that i can’t read. And that is really overwhelming. And I don’t like the idea of not to having the control of things.
So i just decided to take this little piece of bytes from the gazillion memory of internet (yes, i dont know what i’m talking about), and just leave it here for myself or any other creature in the world that maybe wants to waste their precious time.
i recently got accepted in a university that is really good in my dream course, but the problem is that is like 500 km away and in the past times i would fucking love that. “yay! i hate my city i’ll nevah come back”. But right now the idea of moving away scares the shit outta me. i’ve started to experience crazy thoughts that i’m not able to understand, about future, about crazy, self-destructive stuff, alongside with joy and excitement for this new beggining. is that normal (or is it a side effect from the mary jane brownies i had the other day? haha).
yeah, turns out that leaving my family and friends behind is affecting me much more than i thought it would.
To fuck my life a lil bit more this past month i started a really confusing relationship with a boy i’ve been 4 fucking years ago and that i’ve known since i’m fucking 12 (i’m 19 now). “-But gurlll, that’s really kool! Go ahead and enjoy your youth with that cutie!!11” yeaa… but no. it’s not that simple.
i’m a human being that can’t keep a relationship. can’t express feelings and most of all, cannot trust people. in a moment i really want him and in the other i just don’t want to answer his calls. i wouldnt date myself. it’s lame. he’s a nice guy, and i know i’ll miss him when i’m gone :(
conclusion: i’m a piece of shit. one day i’ll drive everyone i love away from me and end up alone with 56 cats. i dont want that. i just wanted to be like the other girls that can actually mantain a relationship, that have a boy to love, to fuck, to laugh, to trust. but i’m not that kind of girl. i sometimes i think i’m faded to loneliness and oblivion.
(sometimes, in the silence of the night, I sit and imagine us two)